So what about teen dating violence? Teen dating violence happens when two teenagers are in a relationship and one person uses physical or emotional or sexual abuse to gain power and keep control over the other person. Teen dating violence is very common today. It may include hitting, punching or slapping, but it doesn't have to be physical. It can happen to anyone, at any age, no matter what race, religion, level of education or economic status.
As parents and caregivers, how do we protect and talk to our teens about dating violence? How do we identify abusive behaviors or victimization in our son's or daughter's relationships?
As parents, our values and beliefs are the ones that matter the most and we are the best ones to make a difference in the lives of our teens. We are not their friends, we are their parents. We should know their friends, know when/where they go online, know where they are at all times and ask questions - which could make us very unpopular at times, but may save their life!
It is critical that we talk to our children about healthy relationships before they begin dating and model healthy relationships to them.
Fact: Approximately 80% of people who are abusive in relationships say that domestic violence was part of their family life growing up.
A parent's role in influencing adolescent dating behaviors is crucial. Parents set the example by how they manage their own conflict. Your interaction with your partner and the pattern of parenting you use can either increase or decrease the probability of your child using aggression with others. You can help to interrupt a pattern of violence by intervening if you suspect your adolescent is involved in an abusive dating relationship.
What is a health relationship?
- Calm, rather than frantic
- Has both friendship as well as physical attraction
- Accepts the need for privacy on both sides
- Allows for differences of opinion
- Doesn't pressure anybody to make a commitment before they are ready
- Involves two people who already feel good about themselves
- Allows time for getting to know each other
- Involves two people who carry good feelings over into the relationship
- Won't destroy either party if there is a breakup
- Has equal sharing of power and control - neither one dominates, neither one constantly submits
- Doesn't make unrealistic demands on either partner
- Involves no "ideal" expectations
- Involves no stereotypes
Talking to teens about healthy and abusive relationships is important. Teens very rarely report dating violence and may view it as a normal part of a relationship.
Resources: For parents and teens, there are lots of resources to assist in learning about how to discuss this issue. The point is: just do it! One resource is www.loveisnotabuse.com, which is for parents to help begin the discussion about dating violence with your teen. The website www.Tnblue.org also provides valuable information for both teens and parents.
Regina McDevitt
Director, Crisis Resource Center
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